I have totally forgotten about nights; about the peace, the calmness, the desirable loneliness they bring along. I used to be a night owl throughout almost all my childhood and teenage years. The reality of a grown up life imposes itself on one's lifestyle sooner or later. The later one starts to acknowledge it, the harder it becomes. I have been trying to practice a disciplined daily lifestyle for the last 3-4 years. The result?! I haven't enjoyed staying awake all night just getting lost in my thoughts, writing, reading,... for such a long long time. I even haven't realized how much I have missed staying up all night witnessing the dawn.
Recently I have been seeking to be alone more and more. I have always liked spending time with myself but for the last few weeks I literally have had an intense craving for being alone. I feel I am going through a transition phase, a major one I guess. Looking back I see how all of a sudden I started to change and become a totally different person at about the age of 21 and how going through changes once in a while has become a part of my living since then. Man! I am going to be 28 in a few months and I still change with a high frequency. Changing has always been desirable to me, it still is. Last night C told me that I seem to be pretty comfortable outside my comfort zone. I started thinking about it. I told her it's not just about being happy or comfortable, it's about the fact that I kinda need it once in a while. That moving out of my comfort zone by itself is such an exciting challenge for me that if I live without it for a while I start realizing the lack of it. I thought about it more since last night. I have become way calmer recently. Less extrovert maybe as well. I am more in peace with myself. I feel more fulfilled maybe. Is it a sign of growing up?! It scares me if it is a sign of settling down, getting old,... I hope not!
Tonight C and I watched Zeitgeist. It was great for me to watch it again. With all the critiques the movie and the movement has attracted I still like it very much. Planning to watch the second and third movie sometime soon. Here is the ending part of the movie:
The second quote, the one which says:
"I think I spent 30 years of my life, trying to become something, I wanted to become good at things, I wanted to become good at tennis, I wanted to become good at school and grades and everything I kind of viewed in that perspective. I'm not okay the way I am, but if I got good at things. I realized I had the game wrong, because the game was to find out what I already was..."
has been attributed to Richard Alpert a.k.a Ram Dass. I am not sure really. The voice is really different from the voice that says the third quote which is certainly by Ram Dass. The third quote is taken from an interview he had discussing the side effects of LSD. Maybe his voice has changed a lot when he has become older, I don't know. I couldn't find anything on the web that refers the quote to anyone else. Anyways the aforementioned quote and similar sayings kinda scare me. People usually say after the age of 30 you start to accept yourself the way you are, with all your limitations. Well, it sounds great and fantastic to admit your limitations and brace yourself the way you are but on the other hand it can also be very scary and disappointing in the sense that you might be already so satisfied that you would cease any effort to change or improve anything about yourself and your life; a change which might in long-term bring you more happiness and satisfaction. I don't know. Growing old is always a bit frightening...
